What NOT to expect the first year
(the version of the ever popular book that was never published)
1. Do not expect to get your body back. It was never yours in the first place, it was just on loan for the first 30 years of life. Don't fall for that breastfeeding myth that if you nurse, you'll lose weight faster. Lies!!
2. Do not expect that your stretch marks will go away no matter how much Palmer's cocoa butter you use, they are there for the long run, and in places you didn't know you got them.
3. Do not expect to sleep...at all, I mean not even a little bit. No sleep. None. Zero, zilch!!
4. Do not expect your baby to wait for you to warm a bottle up. When she is hungry, she is hungry NOW!!
5. Do not defy the laws of gravity-if your girl pees up, she pees up, this includes the side of onesies and her own hair.
6. Neck cheese-I can't stress this one enough-no where in the books does it say anything about neck cheese-that stinky build up one gets when her face, head, and neck double in size and rolls come out of nowhere, the pockets where dripping milk collects and transforms itself into some sort of fuzzy stink that doesn't even come out with a bath-one must use there fingers to wedge it out-and now it has moved on to the rolls in her legs and under her arms.
7. Cradle cap-don't lie, it's ugly! Big chunks of dandruff from the little head-chunks almost as big as her head-you can't just cover it up with a hat!!
8. Poop diapers stink-even if it's from my own, poop stinks no matter whos it is!
9. Cut your damn nails, kid! She could use a good manicure-the only time it's ok to cut is when she's asleep, but you do need someone else to help.
10. Expect your cat to expect baby treatment. Stewie makes me hold him over my shoulder like a baby too. If he burps, I'm in trouble.
Finally...expect to fall in love with her-nothing in the world like it!!
10/21/06
(the version of the ever popular book that was never published)
1. Do not expect to get your body back. It was never yours in the first place, it was just on loan for the first 30 years of life. Don't fall for that breastfeeding myth that if you nurse, you'll lose weight faster. Lies!!
2. Do not expect that your stretch marks will go away no matter how much Palmer's cocoa butter you use, they are there for the long run, and in places you didn't know you got them.
3. Do not expect to sleep...at all, I mean not even a little bit. No sleep. None. Zero, zilch!!
4. Do not expect your baby to wait for you to warm a bottle up. When she is hungry, she is hungry NOW!!
5. Do not defy the laws of gravity-if your girl pees up, she pees up, this includes the side of onesies and her own hair.
6. Neck cheese-I can't stress this one enough-no where in the books does it say anything about neck cheese-that stinky build up one gets when her face, head, and neck double in size and rolls come out of nowhere, the pockets where dripping milk collects and transforms itself into some sort of fuzzy stink that doesn't even come out with a bath-one must use there fingers to wedge it out-and now it has moved on to the rolls in her legs and under her arms.
7. Cradle cap-don't lie, it's ugly! Big chunks of dandruff from the little head-chunks almost as big as her head-you can't just cover it up with a hat!!
8. Poop diapers stink-even if it's from my own, poop stinks no matter whos it is!
9. Cut your damn nails, kid! She could use a good manicure-the only time it's ok to cut is when she's asleep, but you do need someone else to help.
10. Expect your cat to expect baby treatment. Stewie makes me hold him over my shoulder like a baby too. If he burps, I'm in trouble.
Finally...expect to fall in love with her-nothing in the world like it!!
10/21/06
No comments:
Post a Comment